Why I'm Insecure

Just a few days back, I was at the receiving end of a lashing out over a comment I made "I'm jealous of that person", which was based on a misunderstanding that the person was showing me their object of fascination, which wasn't the case, after all.

I don't know how many ministers will admit to being insecure. I would.

To be an effective minister, I need to question my comfort zone, my assurances, my sense of certainty, my relevance and effectiveness. Despite that I do not at all question the value of me being alive and worthy of love, it still matters to me to give space to the fact that I may not be valuable to one person or another, and those people may be people who matter to me --- they could be my congregants, my stakeholders, and others. 

Is insecurity evil? Do we have to be secure all the time? What is it like being insecure or secure?  How many people can actually say, "I will be in a great place no matter if no one likes me at all?"  I wonder if those same people have any appreciation for human connection and how isolation is really evil.

Do I get jealous? Hardly, but yes. I'm human. I would wonder about inequalities, discrimination, and equal opportunity.  Is jealousy evil?  Does it deserve a huge harsh reaction that judges my insecurity? Without giving the self-interested answer, I would then ask the question, "How was the jealousy expressed?"  Was it expressed to assert control over a person or was it a friendly?  It's like how a love song by Damien Rice can go, "I can't take my mind off of you.  I can't take my mind off of you.  I can't take my mind off of you. I can't take my mind off of you", and so on.  This is dangerous and lethal at its worst, but really very very normal for people who are in the beginning stage of romantic attraction.  Must the object of fascination feel threatened? Not necessarily, especially if it wasn't told you the way Damien Rice said it repeatedly.

Once, I entered the office of the New York Anti-Violence Project to have myself checked.  My partner said I needed myself checked. After a series of tests and interviews, it was concluded that my easily-offended partner was the one who had been violent to me, psychologically.  She, after all, held my passport, was controlling the finances, and earned 3 times I did. She also wanted to control my interests, managing my band, etc. Bossy was not something I easily detected because I grew up with really strong women.  My grandmother was like Margaret Thatcher and we lived in an all-female home with my cousins who were great decision-makers, all at least 10 years older than me.  I have a blindness to this kind of domination and controlling behavior.  And the guilt trip is such a useful tool against me, someone who constantly re-examines, "Have I done well? Am I harming someone?"

A single minister like me, looking for a potential partner, is highly vulnerable.  I have a policy that I can only see counsellees in public places like a café, otherwise, they will have to chat only online.  I don't know how far worse it is for the members of a royal family, but we, ministers, have to ensure that we have our vocation in mind when we connect with people. Sometimes my friends joke, "Do you play your minister card when you date people?"  I have unequivocally said no.  How can someone do that and expect an authenticity on the other side of the table?  I think the best way is to play the crazy girl card and let the other person feel comfortable with their own crazy.  And so I usually mention I'm an artist with many mediums, --- a drummer, a music video director,  a training designer, an entrepreneur. 

And this is what keeps me wanting to maintain my insecurity - that I want to keep myself open to surprises, avoiding being comforted with my assumptions or my expectations.  I'd like to know that I can live with uncertainty, surprises, the unplanned, the getting lost, the errors and the trials.  I will occasionally say I'm jealous, don't worry, it will be harmless, you don't need to address it, you don't need to change, I never wanted to be in charge of someone else's life.  I think it's better to be loved than feared.  I took on this "job" of being inspirational to other people and have been paid well, have been recognized, and have been consistent in making sure I've been accountable to those whose lives I affect.

I am insecure because I want to make sure you are okay with the things I do, that I don't harm you, that I help you, that I don't live in a bubble of entitlements.  This makes me anxious sometimes, that's for sure.  Again, not to worry, I am an avid learner of Zen in order to breathe in the unexplainable and befriend my demons.